It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
