I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
