well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
