Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
