forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
