So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Houston, we have a squirter
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
How external is "for external use only"?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
