My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
