Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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