Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
