I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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