Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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