not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
