I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
