the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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