Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i think i just lost a toe
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
