I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
