he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Everything about him screamed your future.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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