like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
