if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
