So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
