I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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