i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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