I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
