I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
