I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
