I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We have started to decorate penises.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
