Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
