mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
