I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
