farters have to be the big spoon...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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