I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
