Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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