Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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