woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
