why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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