just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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