why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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