Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
