I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
