We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
