Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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