You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
