I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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