My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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