1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
