you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
