So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
