i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think my fart just growled at me.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
