Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
