my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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