I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
40s are totally the cure
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
