Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
