I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
