So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
